I gave up on trying so hard. I gave up on my passions just to rest. I nearly decided to close down my youtube channel and online presence, but decided to use it as a creative outlet without any expectations and high hopes for the outcome. Just having fun with it. So I gave up on doing something “serious” with it so to speak!
I gave up on studying full-time. I gave up on trying to do freelance. And after giving up all of these things, I finally started to rest and in that starting to heal.
In 2020 everything just went down. Not just because of covid, but because of I was raped and also endured violence in other ways. I also battled with spiritual abuse from my church. Many friendships didn’t survive this period in my life. Now I have new friends and a few that stayed. I started to gain weight. I stopped exercising and meditating. I stopped self-care and started to drink alcohol. My life spiralled into chaos.
Then my body shut down. And I tried to battle it. I was wrestling with my energy and my body that didn’t cooperate. I had too many “musts” in life. I must be productive and I must do all of these things to “win” all of the achievements in life. So I gave up. I started to rest. That was the answer.
Now I’m building from the ground up. I’m building my confidence, my health, my psyche, my activities, and passions. I’m building up my self-esteem, my friend circle, my family, my boundaries, my life.
It takes time, but it’s worth it. If I didn’t give up, I wouldn’t have survived!
When my body said no, I didn’t immediately listen to it. But when I did, it saved me. Now I let myself do my cozy hobbies, I eat better, try to get into exercise again (although I haven’t started quite yet), meditation… Every step in the right direction, a healthy direction, even if it’s a baby step, feels like an accomplishment and it moves me toward my goal of becoming the person I want to be.
I want to be spiritual, I want to make content for YouTube and this blog. I want to write, like I’m actually doing right now (!), I want to stay calm in situations that need it. I want to regulate my emotions in a healthy way, and also feel my emotions entirely. I want to influence and encourage others that they are capable to live their lives and work on their personal growth. Everybody is capable, not of the same things, because of course stuff gets in the way, but to become their version of enough.
I think sometimes giving up is what can save us. Not giving up on life, but giving up on all the things we think we need to be “successful”. In reality, we need to slow down once in a while.
xx
Tricia
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